Common disorders of cats
April 12, 2008 – 3:24 amChaya suffers from all of these disorders. Calli suffers from Greeblings. PoupĂ©e suffers from a variety of lap fungus disorder: carpet fungus disorder.
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on
laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself,
fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around,
falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking
magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever
you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention
to the sufferer, otherwise symptoms may escalate and
become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only
prolonged attention will cure an attack of
Irritable Lap Syndrome.
Like Collapsible Legs, this syndrome is incurable,
although attacks may be effectively treated as
and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat
proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied
by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring,
dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition
is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a
lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals
is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap
Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms,
although in a number of cats, such treatment actually
exacerbates the condition. This disorder manifests
itself periodically through the affected cat’s
life and there is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/
nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often
accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove
smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be
transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills,
misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter
running through house in pursuit of unseen prey.
Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities,
and some authorities have linked them to UFO
sightings or feel that they may be diminutive
other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from
greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions.
There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching
themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz,
injury to humans may result. A very few cats are
naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective,
as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure.
Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling
hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously,
perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension.
These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes,
but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats
enables them to see them.
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